abhyAsa :atithi devO bhava : udvAsana – send off ; mohamATam/sankOca : the art of refusing hospitality
When we were young, we were taught to refuse everything that was offered to us unless our parents cleared it, if we were guests anywhere. It also broke our hearts when what was offered was very dear to us, but that was the rule. Naturally, that is a tradition that we passed on to our next generation.
This is called mohamATam in telugu, when you are very embarrassed to accept hospitality, gifts, food etc. Unfortunately, this habit is not taught equally to all people., so if you are practicing atithi devo bhava and the other person has not been trained in the art of mohamATam, then you are sunk and all your resources will deplete as in a short circuit. I have a neighbour family who is so over-exploited by this value they hold, that it is very scary. Their guests stay for months, families invite themselves over to dinner and these people complain to other friends but do not know how to deal with the situation.
This is the danger of “regarding a human being as a dEva, be it mother, father, guru or guest” beyond reason.
udvAsana :
udvAsana is the custom of sending off devAs at the end of festivals. For example in Ganesa Chaturthi (Vinayaka Chaviti), at the end of the day or three days or whenever, you do a punah pUja (another pUja) and bid Ganesha farewell. In many homes, Ganesha Vigraha itself is taken for visarjana and immersed in the sea or some water body.
I do not recommend that you immerse your guests in Sankey Tank or the Indian Ocean. But you must practice the art of letting them know that the visit is at an end, you have loved their company and now they and you must ‘get on with life”. You must do this in a way that they remain your friends and will come back next time and you can also visit them next time.
Different things work with different people, so it is a bit off a trial and error. I have tried telling people ‘your visit ends at 5.30′ and had them stay till 8 pm. I have tried telling people, it is terribly inconvenient for me to receive you at such and such a time, and had them drop in exactly then, and say they need just a few minutes of my time and then not go, till it is too late for me to cook dinner and manage my blood sugar levels properly. I have seen people impose on my mom, without any regard to her age, for long stretches of time, praising her gRhiNi (housewife) dharma, while violating their atithi (guest) dharma.
So here are some rules for atithis when they visit other homes :
- Never insult your host or the views they hold. (I had a guest who insulted Sri Rama to my face – I have never spoken to him again.)
- Never violate the convenient times of your host and always leave at the agreed time of departure even if they beg you to stay.
- Do not eat too much. Resist a second helping unless you can’t help it and NEVER accept a third helping. Make sure there is food left for the lady of the house who is serving you. She would not have eaten and won’t have the energy to cook again.
- If your host is older than you, then do not make them serve you physically. Older people do not have energy. (We have some young relatives who come here to have mom cook and relax on her energy and services, while making me take care of their kids – this is wrong. I knew a lady who used to feed her kids at home before taking them out to dinner at other people’s houses, so that they would not demand too much food or be naughty. This is a good idea.)
- If your host has less money than you – do not let them spend, make sure you replenish the resources you consume. Do not do this in an insulting, “I am richer than you” way, but in a humble, I would love to do this for you way.
- Mind your children and the property of others. (We had guests whose kids are violently mischievous and their parents let them lose – it is my headache to protect my stuff from them and they imagine that I love their kids! )
- Find some help that you can do. (I am rather useless at this, since I broke someone’s expensive cups as a kid. Also I don’t like it when people, try to help me and “don’t get it right”.)
- Make sure that you repay visits. If you have people over more than a couple of times and you don’t visit they won’t want to visit you again.
And when you leave after a meal say “anna dAta sukhI bhava”, ‘may the one who has given us annam (food) be well’. Remember to invite them again to your house in turn, then they get to be the dEvAs and you get to do the udVasana! :)
And please train your next generation!!
Satya
